I spend way too much time watching—and thinking about—The Hills. The MTV “reality” show that turned Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, and Kristin Cavallari into household names is truly about nothing. Originally billed as a high-stakes soap opera with a glossy finish, what fans actually received were lots of dramatic silences, eye rolls, and Whitney Port's jaw dropping at the slightest, petty inconvenience. "Are you serious?" she'd say to Lauren, who was talking about her broken washing machine or something. I was riveted.
The Hills did contain some drama—glorious two-minute scenes in which Conrad and Co. managed to say more than 10 words to each other and raised their voices above a whisper. Because the show had such a drought in real fighting, these moments tasted so sweet. That must be why I'm watching them over a decade later. It's no longer a secret that the show's producers orchestrated a lot of this, but does that really matter anymore? During the pandemic, I found I needed the escape as much as ever.
Most of the prime action on The Hills centered on the dissolution of Heidi and Lauren's friendship, after the former started dating Spencer Pratt despite the latter's disapproval. The bickering nature of their relationship was, at times, reductive. So I found myself watching their confrontations with a new mindset: Is this even necessary? Is there a real issue at play here, or are we watching the most ridiculous, lowest stakes of all? What I've found in my rewatch is that many—many—were about nothing. Hilariously so.
In fact, I was able to rank every Lauren and Heidi fight on The Hills from most to least ridiculous. My parameters were as follows: (1) The “confrontation” had to take place after Spencer came in and screwed everything up, and (2) they had to actually be interacting with each other. Dramatic huffs did not count!
So let's dive in, shall we?
What happens: Heidi crashes Lauren's surprise birthday party on a boat. Trapped on the high seas, they cry in sparkly dresses about how they're not friends anymore.
Ridiculous factor, on a scale of 1 (this is unnecessary) to 10 (real stakes): -2,000
Rationale: Heidi didn't have to go on that boat. She didn't 👏have 👏 to 👏 go 👏 on 👏 that 👏 boat. Yet she did go on that boat. And made Lauren cry on her birthday on that boat.
What happens: Lauren and her ex-boyfriend Jason go to a new restaurant called Ketchup. Heidi and Spencer show up because of course they do, then send Lauren and Jason drinks as a peace offering. They send the drinks back.
Ridiculous factor: 1.6
Rationale: Heidi and Spencer could have easily left Lauren and Jason alone to sit in their awkward white chairs at Ketchup and eat their food, which probably didn't contain any real ketchup. Why did they have to get Shirley Temples involved?
What happens: Lauren and Whitney bump into Heidi and Heidi's Work Friend at a party. Lauren and Heidi glower at each other and talk about how they're fighting.
Ridiculous factor: 3
Rationale: In a world without producers, Heidi would have seen the woman she's fighting with and run in the other direction—not storm up to her and say the word “sex tape” 5 million times. (Remember, the crux of the great Lauren-Heidi feud is Lauren's belief that Heidi and Spencer spread rumors that she made a sex tape with Jason.)
What happens: Lauren and Heidi bump into each other at yet another work event. They cry and say they miss each other, and Lauren assures Heidi that, if she ever truly needs her, she's there. Heidi returns the sentiment by asking Lauren if she's been working out (???).
Ridiculous factor: 4.8
Rationale: It's the only confrontation on this list that pulls at my heartstrings. Why can't these two work it out?! That being said, it's very blah and random and Heidi low-key looks like a dominatrix the whole time. (I miss 2008 fashion.)
What happens: Lauren attends Heidi and Spencer's wedding even though she despises Spencer. She says Heidi looks “bedazzled" in her wedding dress. They cry.
Ridiculous factor: 5
Rationale: Lauren didn't need to be at this wedding!
What happens: Lauren is mad Spencer hooked her friend Jen Bunney up with her then recent “flame” Brody Jenner. She yells at Heidi about it.
Ridiculous factor: 6.4
Rationale: This scene gave us the iconic “He's a sucky person!” GIF —but that being said, a teary-eyed screaming match over…Brody Jenner?!?! In what world?!
What happens: Lauren tells Heidi she doesn't think Spencer is a good person and that she'll “be there for her when he screws her over—’cause he will.” Very harsh. (Also, knowing what I know about hangovers, I'm 83% sure they're hungover in this scene.)
Ridiculous factor: 7
Rationale: This was, essentially, the inciting incident that led to Lauren and Heidi's falling-out. Was it a bit preemptive? Could Lauren have maybe let her 21-year-old friend date a douche in peace like I did with my idiot friends at that age? Yes.
What happens: Heidi feels Lauren is making her choose between keeping her best friend and keeping her boyfriend. Lauren says Heidi doesn't have to choose…but “she's chosen.”
Ridiculous factor: 7.9
Rationale: Lauren had some legitimate grounds to be upset here: Her best friend was straight up ignoring her. To me, this signaled the true end of their friendship. There was no coming back from this stage, which raises the question: Who got the cats?
What happens: Heidi (freakin') IMs Lauren and asks if they can get together to talk.
Ridiculous factor: 9
Rationale: I mean, this was logistical. They needed to make plans to yell at each other, and Heidi kick-started those plans. Via (freakin') IM.
What happens: Lauren and Heidi's first encounter post-sex-tape rumors. Lauren yells, “You know what you did!” to Heidi. It's since become reality-TV canon.
Ridiculous factor: 9.8
Rationale: A messy first confrontation was inevitable. Lauren was livid. Heidi was confused. Audrina was…there. Just like most things need to get worse before they get better, this was things getting worse (though, unfortunately, they never got better).
What happens: This was the meet-up they scheduled via IM. (See how important that was now?) Heidi makes one final plea to Lauren for forgiveness. She agrees to forgive her—but also to forget her (classic!). Heidi leaves, wistfully, one eye completely covered by her platinum blond hair.
Ridiculous factor: 10
Rationale: Reality-TV fights don't get any better than this. It's the final nail in the coffin for Lauren and Heidi's friendship. The bouquet of thorny roses! The tears! Lauren's truly unfortunate dress! For sheer iconography alone, this is the most essential Lauren-Heidi spat on The Hills. It's also their most painfully real (or seemingly real, at least). I can't forgive this one—or forget it.
